I’m The One Before The One

I’ve recently come to terms with what it’s like to be the woman he doesn’t end up with.  I’m doing my best to get comfortable being forever the one before the one.

Time and time again I meet men who are enamoured by me, a little in lust for sure, but time and time again they decide they just “don’t see it going there” with me, but are comfortable enough to want to see me naked, and in almost all cases go on to settle down with the next woman they meet. The One.

I didn’t understand it, until I realised I’m the in-between woman.

the one before the one, practice girlfriend

I’m the in-between serious relationships kind of woman. They appreciate me when they feel vulnerable, without realising it in some cases, entirely deliberately in others. I’m never The One.

I’m a safe space, a good time, a great fuck, I’m a space-filler.

Maybe he’s just ended a relationship, maybe he’s never wanted to settle down, maybe he hasn’t got a shitting clue what he wants in life. These men, they are drawn to me, they’re drawn to my independence, my minimal needs, my ability to look after myself.

Take the guy I was due to go on a second date with this week, the first date was brilliant, we laughed, flirted and made plans for date two before we’d even thought about ending date one.

He’s been single 11 months, it didn’t end badly he said, there just wasn’t love there any more.

Tonight he texts, date two is tomorrow night, his ex has been in touch and it’s thrown a spanner in the works.

He thinks I’m great, he thinks I’m perfect girlfriend material and he knows the guy I end up with is a lucky one. He is not that guy, he is another one going back to an ex, or on to someone new.

the one before the one, practice girlfriend

I’m a safe space, a good time, a great fuck, I’m a space-filler.

He tells me he’s not looking for a relationship, more than once, yet I still cling to the hope that he’ll change his mind, that spending time with me will make him realise I’m exactly the person he wants to be with.

He takes a while to reply, but always does. He doesn’t make lots of plans but when he does I’m grateful. He says he wants to take it slow because he’s scared of how much he likes me.

And so the agony begins.

What he should say is “I just want to fuck, this isn’t ever going to go anywhere else”

What I should say “I’m fucking you in the hope you’ll realise how amazing I am and want to be with me”

But we don’t, we carry on regardless. I should walk away, no, I should run away. It’s my fault, I allow the games to be played because at the end of the day, I’m lonely.

Then, one day only silence. Within weeks a photo pops up on social media, a friend mentions him to me, I see him in the street, he has a new girlfriend, not a woman like me, a woman that he wants to be with. I drink coffee and wonder what I did wrong, what I could have said to make him stay. What she did that I didn’t, or what she didn’t that I did. I immerse myself in all the things I’m not.

the one before the one, practice girlfriend

I don’t allow people in really, and yet when I make an effort to it always seems to be the wrong people. I offer them the world, my world, and it’s not enough. I’m not enough. Maybe it’s because I don’t want kids, or because I don’t need nor want saving, maybe because I’m a whole happy person alone. Maybe I need to be a little pathetic, appear a little weak.

The truth is, I would rather be the person I am when I’m alone, that the person I think I need to be to be the one to someone.

In-between women like me, we need to understand we did nothing wrong. So, why is it always us who feel like shit when it all goes to hell?



  1. Jamina
    6th March 2018 / 7:23 pm

    I used to feel like this! I joked to myself that I was like a lucky charm to men…if they were interested in me then within a short space of time they’d meet someone…

    • 6th March 2018 / 9:04 pm

      YES! Totally agree with that! It’s like I can tell men “just so you know you won’t end up with me, but you will end up with the next one!”

  2. 15th March 2018 / 1:04 pm

    I am terrible for skim reading posts when I just can’t get into them, but I think I’ve read this post at least 3 times in full – word for word. Mainly because I think it touched a nerve, this doesn’t sound like me but the one I am seems to be the one they stay with for a long time, I get settled, but by no means dependant as I am like you, very much independent. But for some reason always ends up being ditched in the end anyway for some greener grass, that I can reassure them is most definitely fake.

    Who knows, maybe I should pop a sign out that says “if you have a spare 5 years I’m the girl.. but not THE ONE?!.”

    Having this happen time and time again only increases my independence, maybe one day ill just give it up as a bad job and buy 10 dogs :)!

    Great Post Emma!

    Kylie | http://www.firstforeverything.co.uk

    • 15th March 2018 / 3:55 pm

      Thank so so much for taking the time to read it, more than once too! It’s tough ins’t it, feeling like you get ‘left behind’ when you deserve so much more!

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